Need a pie in a pinch? Whether the pastry is for eating, throwing, or curing friends who have fallen under a dark spell cast by an evil bird, we can think of only one place to go.
Chef Kim’s Bakery provides San Francisco with pies so delicious you’ll start to believe in magic after just one bite. But don’t take our word for it. Rumor has it that Chef Kim is also the go-to baker for mayoral candidate Ned Gu. And if Chef Kim’s pies are good enough for him, they’re good enough for the entire city.
All that said, we do feel it would be prudent to temper our recommendation with a slight word of warning. Try to watch out for her best friend, Alice.
We say “try to” because Alice has a nasty habit of standing right behind people without them realizing it. You’ll be able to recognize her by her flannel shirts, work boots, and macadamia nut necklace (no, you can’t touch it). Oh, and her giant butcher knife, affectionally named Big Chop. The one she carries around the store even when nothing needs cutting…
But who is this Alice person, anyway? We’re not even sure she works at Chef Kim’s bakery, but she always seems to be lingering around the store. Alice claims that she and Chef Kim are closer than close, yet according to Kim’s niece, Dani, the two of them are always going at each other’s throats. Not literally, of course. (Unless that’s what the cleaver is for.)
And so what? Friends get into fights all the time. At the end of the day, Alice and Chef Kim are practically family. Meaning the quickest way to get on Alice’s bad side is to go after Chef Kim and Dani.
For any nosy pre-teens who want to go snooping around Chef Kim’s house when she’s not around, take note: Alice has eyes like a hawk, so you’d better have a very good excuse for poking your head where it doesn’t belong.
If you’re looking to cause trouble, you’d better hope it’s during one of the few nights a week Alice isn’t near the Kim place. Like when Alice is out playing Wingspan, the board game where players face off by building armies made of birds. Alice is the head of her local Wingspan club and is notorious for always coming out on top of regional tournaments. Some players have alleged that they’ve caught her swapping cards, but if you ask us, games are more fun when you’re allowed to bend the rules on occasion.
Who cares if Alice isn’t the most honest Wingspan player in the world? She’s still a woman of many talents. Have you tried her latest batch of spiced pudding? (The secret ingredient is the five-barrel batch single-malt whiskey Chef Kim was saving for her fortieth birthday. Shhh.)
Whipping up delectable desserts, taking home the gold in Wingspan tournaments, scaring juvenile delinquents with her big honking knife… if you ask us, Alice has her life figured out. What more could anyone ask for? And yet, she still seems restless. Almost like she doesn’t quite feel at peace with her place in the world.
Maybe she’ll feel better once Mr. Gu is finally elected mayor. He’s promised to bring sweeping reforms to the city, and Alice seems to be the kind of person who thrives during periods of change. Whether that’s because she genuinely wants what’s best for the city, or because a Gu mayoralty would provide her with opportunities to cause more mayhem, we’re not entirely sure.
All we know is that as long as the pudding, pies, and pastries keep coming, we’re not going to complain. Although with the way that she’s been eyeing Big Chop lately, maybe we should take our order to go. You know, just in case…
Want to learn more about what Alice is really up to? Be sure to pick up Winston Chu vs. The Wingmeisters.
