STAN CULTURE

We are of course referring to attractions such as the famous mechanical Stans that locals may remember from the 1939 World’s Fair hosted on Treasure Island. These robotic wonders were known to delight and entrance visitors from all over the world with their automated antics, and Mr. Gu is a huge fan. Some were programmed to play music and operate arcade games, while others would hand out ice cream to guests. And sometimes even teach them how to eat it (Apparently the cones aren’t supposed to go up your nose. Who knew?).

But Mr. Gu’s favorite Stan was undoubtedly the Wingmeister Stan, a very special robot that was able not only to identify every single bird on the planet, but also transform itself into a bird for a short time. Over 80 years later, it’s clear as day that the entertainment industry peaked in 1939.

What’s that? You weren’t around in 1939? And neither were any of your living relatives? Well, inconceivably, Stan looks just like Stan the Knuckle Burger Man, the adorable, dead-eyed, forever-grinning mascot of San Francisco’s favorite burger chain. Put that in your maw.

GOOD FOR CHU

Mr. Gu sees a lot of potential in the Stan technology, particularly that of the Wingmeister Stan. So don’t be too shocked if you see a lot more of these hollow homunculi in the future. And we’re absolutely shaking in anticipation!

As we’re sure many of you already know, once elected, Mr. Gu is fully dedicated to installing his patented Community Hi-tech Units—CHUs for short—all across the city. These units may look like old-fashioned telephone booths, but inside they offer San Francisco’s underserved residents a place to charge their phones and use tamper-free computers with high-speed internet to help them find new employment opportunities. Perhaps the CHUs aren’t quite as flashy as the automated Stans, but they do allow people access to new worlds and provide them with deeply transformative experiences.

Named after Sergeant Phillip Chu, a true hero who sacrificed it all for our country, the CHUs will honor the memory of this fallen soldier by lending a helping hand to all those in need. Additionally, Ned Gu has promised that each and every CHU will be staffed by our military veterans, giving them jobs, and fair wages. Now how’s that for patriotism?

And just between us, we’re starting to believe that the CHUs could use the additional security that our veterans can provide. All because certain people are having a hard time getting on board with the bright and compassionate future that Ned Gu is going to deliver for the city.

PANG IN THE NECK

Certain people such as Ned Gu’s brother, Mr. Pang, was recently seen trying to sabotage the public unveiling of Gu’s CHU. Pang, clearly operating solely out of jealousy and pettiness, seemingly can’t accept the fact that the city clearly prefers CHUs and Stans over Pang’s silly little Whimsies.

We can understand why Pang might be bitter that his creepy hole-in-the-wall store never took off, but the truth is that Gu’s shop, Treasure: Esoteric Odds and Ends, was always way more inviting and popular, attracting a more sophisticated clientele than the misfits who shop at Mr. Pang’s Whimsies.

The real issue here is that Mr. Pang has decided to make his sibling rivalry an even bigger problem for us all by recruiting Phillip Chu’s rebellious son, Winston, and his friends to take down Ned Gu. But Winston’s a bright guy. Maybe he’ll get Mr. Pang to chillax before he ruins Mr. Gu’s big plans for the city.

If only kids today were more like the Stans. Helpful, selfless, and predictable in their behavior and acts of service for the community. Maybe all Winston and his friends need to do is find some way to visit the Stans in person. We’re sure that Wingmeister Stan can teach those troublemakers a lot more than simply how to identify the Amazonian Hoatzin.

We just hope it doesn’t take too long. We still have a standing appointment with the ice cream Stan to show us exactly what exactly we’re supposed to do with the stuff.